


SHANGRI-LA

by mizz_apple



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Dark Past, Heavy Angst, I CAN'T SPOIL EVERYTHING HERE RIGHT??, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's not healthy but it prob happened somewhere, Love, M/M, adoration, mentioned about eating disorder, verbal abuse mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 21:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12374319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizz_apple/pseuds/mizz_apple
Summary: Hyunwoo kisses him one more time and waves him goodbye as he walks away from Kihyun’s sight. He unlocks the gate of their small rented house, the morning air is fresh as usual, he stops for a while to check Kihyun’s sunflowers and turns to Kihyun, “They’re going to bloom soon!”Kihyun laughs. “They will.”“When they have fully bloomed, I will pick one and put it on your hair,” says Hyunwoo, half-shouting.“I can’t wait!” replies Kihyun, tears are brimming on his eyes.





	SHANGRI-LA

 

 

 

Shangri-la Shan·gri-la \ ˌshaŋ-gri-ˈlä \

**_a remote beautiful imaginary place where life approaches perfection_ **

 

**_∞∞∞∞∞∞_ **

 

The dark is still hanging on the sky as if it refuses to depart from its place. The serene morning sun is slowly appearing but shyly peeking from its chamber, waiting for the perfect time to shine its light and stirs the lives beneath.

 

Kihyun's slow and steady breath fills the silence, the soft low sound of air-conditioner in his room is accompanying his breath. As the morning sun rises so does Kihyun. His eyes flutter under the morning ray that streamed through the blinds of the window.

 

Kihyun yawns and moves his legs a bit, looking for the source of his warmth. And when he found it, the muscles around his mouth start to stretch from side to side.

 

Now he's adjusting his position by leaning on his right elbow, he tilts his body to the right and nudges someone beside him playfully. "Baby ..." he coos with the honey voice that he knows well will awake the person who was still in his slumber state.

 

"Hyunwoo ~" Kihyun tries again, this time with little fondles in that person named Hyunwoo's left arm.

 

Hyunwoo stirs a bit, feeling the disturbance but refuses to open his eyes. He just reaches his hand to find Kihyun's and pulls them to his arms.

 

Kihyun laughs hilariously and happily snuggles in his husband's arms, feeling himself encased by a warm larger figure whom he married two years ago in a small village near Busan, with no appearance of both families, only their close friends, and relatives who are willing to attend the solemn wedding vow in front of Government officials and little celebration party after the vow, under the stars in July with 50 guests and cheap champagne, they danced without shoes above the fresh grass of the grass field as husbands for the first time.

 

Sometimes Kihyun still feels the bitterness of the rejection from both their parents even after their 2-year-old marriage life. So there are times when he will slump down alone, in his bathroom, crying and blaming himself for stealing Hyunwoo's parents' dreams of having grandchildren of their own since Hyunwoo is the only child in the family and clearly, as a same-sex couple, they can not produce a child from both sides. Finding a surrogate mother or adoption is the way but neither both parents will agree on that. They would prefer to have a legal grandchild, pure blood of their own instead of someone else's DNA that they don't know mixed with their sons'. Not to mention Hyunwoo's parents' dream to see Hyunwoo can be both successful in marriage and career as a military officer.

 

Something that Hyunwoo had left behind after his marriage since the military has a strict rule of not allowing their officers to have same-sex marriage or even if they have, they will be fired immediately. Their hard work or their sacrifices will not be remembered.

 

So Hyunwoo, before he had his wedding with Kihyun, submitted his resignation letter and mentioned about marrying Kihyun. His 5-year dedication in the military was pushed aside because of his homosexuality title known by his fellow officers, even to all his subordinates.

 

Scratching from the bottom an as ordinary office man, Hyunwoo worked as an insurance salesman while Kihyun worked as a nurse. They didn't earn much but it works fine with both of them and everyday Kihyun will be thankful for having Hyunwoo by his side, the one whom he depends a lot and always ready to boost his self-confidence and mood.

 

Kihyun has somewhat low self-confidence due to his past life an as obese teen. Back when he was still 10 years old until twenty when he dated a jerk who used to harass him verbally, leaving deep scars all over Kihyun's pride and confidence and left him in his deepest pit of low self-esteem until he had a severe bulimic disorder, just to fit his boyfriend's taste. The cocky bad-boy handsome type who has looks but no heart and loves to play with Kihyun's heart and finally left him for a much younger and, clearly, sexier boy.

 

 ** _【So if someone asks how much he loves Hyunwoo, he will say that he loves him with all his life_**.】

 

Kihyun never lies. He speaks what he feels and what he feels for Hyunwoo is sometimes more than what he could handle. He  _depends_ on him a lot, he feels insecure when Hyunwoo is away from him --although Hyunwoo always tells him that he  ** _loves_**  Kihyun as big as Kihyun does. It's not like Kihyun doesn't trust him. He just loves Hyunwoo so much, a man who gives his everything to make him happy, to make him feel safe, to cherish him and compliment him physically, that every day the first word he will hear from Hyunwoo is--

 

"Morning,  _handsome..._ " says Hyunwoo, with his deep and throaty voice, clearly still half-conscious due to his deep sleep.

 

Kihyun's smile is formed immediately, hearing the gentle intonation of each syllable forming and coming out from Hyunwoo's vocal chord and resonates over and over in his brain.

 

_Handsome. Beautiful. Love. Sweet. Baby. Pretty._

 

Kihyun has lost count of how many neuron cells had died whenever he heard those sweet nicknames from Hyunwoo's beautiful soul.

 

**_Hyunwoo has the most beautiful soul of all the people he met._ **

 

The big burly man who's inhaling his hair scent with small chuckles is the most selfless person in his dull life, filling his days with laughter and love, who never refuses anything he asks from him, who never speaks harsh words to him and who caters his need the best he can. And every time Kihyun stares into his dark orbs when they're just doing nothing but hugging and snuggling, Kihyun can see the clear reflection of himself in those eyes and his heart was swelled in pure emotion as Hyunwoo whispered in his ears and said that he loves him so much.

 

"Morning. How's your sleep?" Kihyun's hands move above Hyunwoo's chest, drawing circles. Feeling the latter's steady heartbeat against his own, he can't ask for more but to have this forever, waking up every morning with Hyunwoo's heartbeat against his, feeling safe, worthy and loved.

 

Hyunwoo chuckled with his deep voice and pinches Kihyun's waist lightly. "It was good until someone disturbed my beauty sleep ..."

 

There are small giggles coming from both of them, feel like still living in teenage days with youthful laughter and dream.

 

Raising his right hand and Kihyun's left hand up in the air, Hyunwoo stares at their hands, with a soft sigh, and commented, "Do you know you've got beautiful hands, Ki?"

 

Kihyun laughs in disbelief.

 

"Are you kidding me? People say they're too small and chubby." There's a slight hurt that Hyunwoo could sense in his words, giving him a pang of hurt in his heart. Kihyun with his gorgeous smile and handsome face is still a man with wounded pride from his past verbal abuse. There's nothing in the world that Hyunwoo wants to do but to make him see how beautiful he is. The other side of him also craves to hunt the man or anyone who used to verbally abuse his husband in the past.

 

Exploded with the protective mind, Hyunwoo unites their hands and brings them to his chest. "But they're perfect for mine. You, baby, are perfect for me in every single way possible." Hyunwoo lifted Kihyun's chin a bit and stared at him. His eyes shot a reassuring look, a firm and steadfast love that perfectly depicted through his words and look.

 

Kihyun hides his tiny blush that quickly spread throughout his face, still feeling like a boy in love over and over again for this wonderful man who was lying with him, with bare chest and a boxer. He quickly steals a peck and wriggles out of Hyunwoo's arms, forcing himself to get up to prepare the day as usual.

 

" What do you want for breakfast today?" asks Kihyun, hands secured on both side of his hips, a tiny curl of a playful smirk tugged in the corner of his lips.

 

Hyunwoo leaned further to the dashboard, having both of his bulky arms behind his head and shot a look. "You."

 

Clear and without any hesitation. The ever-blunt husband and partner he is, which invited a soft smile from Kihyun. He scolded half-heartedly, "I think you spent too much time in the military that you even forgot what 'breakfast' actually means—"

 

The words were shot like an unstoppable arrow, piercing through layers of emotion, sending a silent gasp from Kihyun himself; realizing the poison he had uttered unconsciously.

 

For a moment, Kihyun holds his breath, he was ready to get fiery wrath—harsh words—anything that Hyunwoo will let out because he was careless with his words. He knows how painful the word is for Hyunwoo, especially—

 

But then Hyunwoo laughs. He laughs with his adorable crescent-eyes, deep laugh, intoxicating and enchanting at the same time. There's nothing negative in his laugh—nothing like mockery or being cynical, it was pure amusement. "I'm serious." Kihyun whines, half-relief.

 

Face's flushed red, Hyunwoo manages himself to answer Kihyun, " Yeah. Sorry but I just remember this joke from my friend.." Hyunwoo smiles, let his mind wander to his time spent in the military, with all those memories and friends he made. And Kihyun is no fool, he catches the longing glint in Hyunwoo's eyes. Clearing his throat, Kihyun asks, biting his lips in the process, "Do you ... miss them?"

 

It was the question that floating around in his mind, a lot. He knows Hyunwoo loves him and he is going to do everything for him, despite all controversies they have been through. But he needs to know what Hyunwoo feels, thinks of when he chose Kihyun over his life—his comrades or his country as well. Is he happy? Does he have any regret? Is it worth—

 

"I do. But—" Hyunwoo proceeds to get up from the bed, walking towards Kihyun and strokes Kihyun's jaws to the cheeks, feeling the warmth and the angelic face of his husband who stares at him in despair, looking for an answer. "—but I will not spend my life regretting what I have missed. Because here, I have everything I want and need. I have got you."

 

There was no more regret or doubts as Hyunwoo kissed him gently, tongue slips in and they start to savor each other's taste in perfect harmony.

 

**_【Always as beautiful as it is】_ **

 

The way Hyunwoo wore his suit every morning and Kihyun would peek in curiosity between his cooking and making sure he got his suit and tie matched perfectly, the stolen kisses between flipping the pork belly and stirring the soup, the way Kihyun would laugh incessantly as Hyunwoo's miserable failure to close their broken wood cabinet with Hyunwoo's loud cursing but then he would join the younger in laughter, feeling a bit of fool and embarrassed.

 

Then his favorite time would be when Hyunwoo was home. Throwing everything and making out passionately in their worn-out sofa, leading Kihyun in need and Hyunwoo in heat. They ended up ripping each other's clothes and having sex in an urgent manner.

 

Once. Or twice. Sometimes Hyunwoo just couldn't hold himself and they would end up exhausted after fooling around in their third or fourth times.

 

The holidays were like honeymoons; all day-snuggling, biking through the woods, sight-seeing in the city, or sometimes they would lay the mat and blankets and sat down watching sunsets in the beach with wine and home-made sandwich.

 

**【 _Kihyun never felt any happier than he is now】_**

 

He is still replying Hyunwoo's sentences in his mind while cracking the eggs to the frying pan in front of him. The sizzling sound of the heated oil and eggs is mixed with Hyunwoo's soulful voice in the shower. Kihyun just smiled at the thought of Hyunwoo's naked body under the water, singing with all his passion with their toothpaste as the microphone.

 

Hyunwoo is still in the room, choosing his tie and scrambles out to ask, "Hey darling, is this nice?"

 

Navy blue and plain ivory tie. Kihyun turned his head and nodded, "Yeah. Looks good."

 

Hyunwoo was hurriedly walking back into the bedroom to collect all his paper and takes his office bag. He shows up minutes later and kisses Kihyun's forehead as he pulls out the chair to Kihyun and himself. "Smells good."

 

"Thank you. You too." Kihyun chirps back, preparing the rice and puts the soup in the other small bowls for them. He carefully puts them in front of Hyunwoo and his plate then adds some fried pork belly to Hyunwoo's rice bowl. Hyunwoo chuckles listening to his husband's compliment. He always loves to hear Kihyun's compliment—or better, he loves hearing all things coming from Kihyun's mouth. His compliment, his words, his singing, his breath, his groans, his grunts, his moans ...

 

Hyunwoo stops himself before the thought of making Kihyun groan, grunt or moan stirs something below. He is almost late. And he got the important meeting today.

 

"Thank you. I will eat well," says Hyunwoo, receiving the bowl and the smile from Kihyun.

 

They eat in silence for the first minutes, then occasionally kicking each other's feet and giggling, telling some inappropriate jokes minutes later.

 

**【 _The time spent, some inappropriate jokes and the giggles ... Kihyun would have never asked for more...】_**

 

When they were apart was the hardest time.

 

Kihyun watches in love as Hyunwoo puts on his shoes. Sometimes he can be selfish and wants the older for himself, be with him all day, making him completely his without any interruption from the world. But life has its toll and Hyunwoo tries his best to pay it all for Kihyun.

 

If only he had no illness, he would be there too, paying all the costs to be with Hyunwoo to enjoy life at its fullest.

 

Hyunwoo's soft kiss to his cheeks and forehead pulls Kihyun from his thoughts and draws a smile from him. "You, have a great day. I will cook something delicious later." Says Kihyun, after fixing his husband's tie and hair. His hands travel around Hyunwoo's chest and shoulders, squeezing the arms fondly and Hyunwoo gets the message. He puts the bag down and pulls Kihyun to himself, arms hugging the younger's petite body tightly, caressing the younger's back in a soothing way while whispering thousands of 'I-love-yous' to Kihyun's ears.

 

Reluctantly, Kihyun parts himself from Hyunwoo. He is on the verge of crying, of something he didn't know, that lingers in his heart. The thoughts of being separated in hours are frustrating and Kihyun hates to admit it to Hyunwoo, not wanting the latter to know his fear. He wants to stop burdening Hyunwoo for once because he has done more than enough for both of them to be together.

 

"You're ... going to be fine right?" as if Kihyun's eyes have told him, Hyunwoo asks in worry. His eyes are skimming the younger, waiting for the response. But Kihyun smiles and strokes his cheeks in reply. "I will, honey. Just ...  _that_  .. I'm going to miss you today." Kihyun's eyes are softened when he speaks, "I always feel like this every time you go to work ..."

 

Hyunwoo nods but kept his eyes on Kihyun. "Should I--cancel my meeting today?"

 

"No, oh god, please no." Kihyun chuckles and hits Hyunwoo's arms lovingly. "I'm alright, oh Hyunwoo! Don't treat me like a kid. I am okay,  _okay_?" stressing the word 'okay' to eliminate his husband's worries, partly cursing himself for being  _once again_  careless with his words.

 

Hyunwoo, torn in between. It was clear from his face and makes Kihyun's heart hurt. He stands on the tip of his toes and steals kisses on Hyunwoo's cheeks. "Now go, before I can't contain myself from kissing you."

 

Hyunwoo nods with a hesitant look. He kisses Kihyun's lips and says, "Don't be worry baby. I will come home to you safely. We will eat the delicious food that you promised. I will bring home those sweet potatoes you've been craving for these days. Wait for me, will you?"

 

The smiling face he will be missing throughout the day, those gentle caresses to assure him how he is loved, that deep soothing voice that calls him 'Kihyunnie' and his presence alone could banish all fears Kihyun have, he will surely wait for this man, as long as he lives on this earth. "I will wait for you. I will always, baby."

 

Hyunwoo kisses him one more time and waves him goodbye as he walks away from Kihyun's sight. He unlocks the gate of their small rented house, the morning air is fresh as usual, he stops for a while to check Kihyun's sunflowers and turns to Kihyun, "They're going to bloom soon!"

 

Kihyun laughs. "They will."

 

"When they have fully bloomed, I will pick one and put it on your hair," says Hyunwoo, half-shouting.

 

"I can't wait!" replies Kihyun, tears are brimming on his eyes. But of course Hyunwoo will never see them, the distance has made it impossible to see with naked eyes. And Kihyun doesn't want him to see them too. Not this morning. So he just stood there, watching with a heavy heart, swallowing his overwhelmed emotion with every breath he takes.

 

And Kihyun was still standing in his position as the figure of Hyunwoo got further away, the broad back with the fitted navy suit, well-built body and long limbs, he walked through the crowd handsomely and even the world would be envious of him for the vigorous spirit he had.

 

**【 _And maybe the world was being too envious of him at that time ...】_**

 

**_∞∞∞∞∞∞_ **

 

 

Kihyun wakes up, startled by loud banging noises and groans. His ears perk up as he sits on the edge of this small bed obediently, focusing on his surrounding. The sounds of heavy steps and loud curses all over the place, the wailing and screaming and shouting. The nuisance he has to tolerate day by day, for almost two years.

 

He rocks his body unconsciously to calm himself down. It has been too long. His heart has grown too weary. His mind has never been this deprived as ever. The pain keeps on coming and never leave him.

 

What he does is mostly sleeping, to sleep away the day for he doesn't want to see the sun again. The blinding light has made him loathe everything and what he longs for every day is the night where he can sleep and dream.

 

He can sense the nurse comes and goes and they will sometimes wake him up from daydreaming just to shove those white sometimes white and blue or yellow pills to his mouth. They sometimes become so nice and serve him well whenever one of his family comes to visit.

 

Yes, Kihyun's parents. Or relatives. Sometimes Kihyun forgets that he still has them because they were long ago buried in his mind, the day he married his sweet Hyunwoo.

 

Kihyun cried softly and silently. He has been doing this a year ago but the tears never stop coming from his eyes until this day. He hates admitting how fragile he is, how weak he is, how empty he is.

 

_【 **But that's what Kihyun is now ...】**_

 

And today, his parents come again, talking in low voices with the doctor. Kihyun silently listens to their conversation from his bed, pretending he is asleep.

 

" ... today he's been exceptionally great. I think he is in a good mood lately. He stops rebelling against us, he eats all those pills and we can even trust him to eat them all on time. He keeps himself well, showers regularly and eats regularly."

 

"Is he ... can he ... come out of this place soon?" Kihyun knows it's his father. He can hear his cracking voice, the one who used to scold him for disciplining him throughout the years but never spoke a word when he knew Kihyun was in a relationship with Hyunwoo.

 

There's a thick silence in the air before the doctor talks again, "I think we need to understand that it's not... an easy thing to be decided. We need to make sure he is ready for coming into the real world again after—" there's a cough sound, cutting the doctor's words before he continues to speak again, "—after losing someone that he loves dearly in a tragic incident, I think we need to evaluate more if he can get out of this .. place as soon as possible."

 

" But you said, he's been okay these days, I mean—our Kihyunnie ... it's been two years already, doctor, I need to know if my son is alright or not.." This time his mother is talking. He would never forget the voice of a woman who raised him with love and cares but scolding him harshly after she found out his relationship with Hyunwoo ...

 

"—I want, I need to ... let him know ... how much I—we love him and can accept him no matter who he is ... " his mother is sobbing now and the whole room is filled with her sobbing sound. Kihyun could feel a drop of tear trickle from his left eye.

 

"He will be fine, I guarantee you. But to decide it too early is something beyond my capability. We need to wait. I need to see how well he is going to adapt again to the world because your son tends to ... be so passive. He is well-behaved but strangely he doesn't want to talk and I have observed that he seems to, get restless when we put him to a room with others. He looks uncomfortable and wants to get away as quick as he can. And his obsession of--cleaning himself or dressing before he sleeps ... if I can say this personally, not an opinion from a doctor, he seems like ...  _meeting his lover_. His face looks glowing, he dresses neatly and clean, and he even once asked the nurse to buy him a perfume. And he does nothing, he just gets to the bed always at 9 sharp and sleeps. It's nothing weird but for me, it's ... _weird_  ..."

 

His father asks with trembling voice, "Wh—why do you think he does that?"

 

The doctor doesn't say anything for a while. Kihyun can even hear his breath.

 

Finally, the doctor says something, voice deep and hesitant. " When someone can't accept the death of their beloved, they might have acted as if they are still around. Meeting them somewhere, in a place where they can spend time together. In some cases, it will look so real that the patient will act as if they are talking or interacting with their beloved. In Kihyun's case, he doesn't do that but what he did, the habitual action he keeps repeating day by day suggesting that he might ... experience what I personally call "an escape" for someone with a great trauma to be dealt with, it takes a lot of effort. A supporting system from everyone he loves is needed the most during this time and if he doesn't get it or too late to get it, he will use another realm to fulfill his fantasy. A realm where he can re-create his own 'home', a place where he feels the most loved, a place of perfection where everything is entirely the opposite of what he experienced in real life. A place that might be called as their own ' _Shangri-la_ ', where he can have anything he wants and needs."

 

Kihyun hears them talking patiently but as his mind wandering around, he couldn't listen to them properly again. He doesn't even budge when a nurse is fixing his tube. He's too numb to react to all the treatments, not only for his sanity but also for his type-1 diabetes, making him such a liability to Hyunwoo because he can't work like normal people, he can't be too tired or doing heavy physical works. He was blaming himself for taking all those sweets and doughnuts and ice cream during his youth which in his mind, took part of giving him this illness.

 

He wants to cry again for remembering the hardship Hyunwoo had to face in taking care of him. The love of his life, the only family he ever got, the sweet man who gave everything for him, the perfect husband everyone has been dreaming for, his protector.

 

But he's too beautiful for this life and maybe the jealousy isn't something he felt for Hyunwoo's existence alone.

 

To this world, to the mad people who took his Hyunwoo away from him, that until to this very day, Kihyun never stops mourning for his loss. He can't move one, his life stops in place, his days have ended the day he got the news from the police about some drunk people who aggressively beat his Hyunwoo to death because he accidentally bumped into one of them in a cold night, a plastic of sweet potatoes and a bouquet of peonies were scattered in the silent small road with Hyunwoo's lifeless body ...

 

Hyunwoo didn't come back like what he had promised to Kihyun in the morning. He never returns home.

 

And the sunflowers had bloomed in that spring but Hyunwoo couldn't pick one of them and put it in Kihyun's hair.

 

He could no longer see his broad back in the fitted suit and matching tie, hearing his deep soothing voice when he calls him 'baby', 'Kihyunnie' or 'handsome'. He could no longer feel his heartbeat again, he could no longer taste his sweet lips and he almost forgets how sweet it was, he could no longer smell Hyunwoo's musk cologne again or his after-bath scent, the home he once knew, has crumbled down and laid in that grave.  _For eternally._

 

That's why when his parents have left, he didn't even bother to say anything. When the doctor leaves home, the staffs have changed shift and the day passes by, Kihyun stands in front of the mirror. Brushing his hair neatly and carefully changes his hospital pajamas into his own, spraying some perfume on both of his wrists and behind his ears, takes a deep breath and climbs on his bed.

 

The moon hangs so low like he can reach it and places it on his own room. Kihyun breathes in slowly and steadily. It takes some time to be able to sleep and his heart always leaps for joy when he goes to sleep. Because that's when—or where he can see Hyunwoo again. Feeling himself again, kissing him endlessly and smelling him like a mad dog.

 

Yes, he is a mad man. He is madly in love with Hyunwoo. And that's why waking up is a torment to his soul and every day he wishes to pass quickly so he can sleep again and dream again, being with Hyunwoo.

 

But he's got a plan tonight. He has been tired of this all. He can never be the same after Hyunwoo's death. He is tired pretending that he is alright so they wouldn't put on that horrible strap-jacket on him again, forcing him to eat those pills while all he needs is his Hyunwoo.

 

He lays himself down, the night is long, the bed is comfortable. And his way to meet and be together with Hyunwoo have been hidden under his pillow, he will drink them and watches himself dying. But at least he can go to his own Shangri-la, a place where he will wake up in the morning over and over again, feeling Hyunwoo's breath next to his ears and prepares his breakfast before he leaves for work.

 

Kihyun closes his eyes.

 

For now, he can feel his own heartbeat drums against his chest. Yet he's not sure if tomorrow morning he would ever feel it again.

 

_"Hyunwoo, wait for me, will you?"_

  
 

 

**❁ ❁ ❁ ❁**

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there ...  
> Welcome to my world.  
> Not a shangri-la for sure, but it is where I make love, get pregnant and give birth my all showki stories :D  
> The draft had been waiting for me to finish and today I am able to. No proofread (manually yes) but spare my poor eyes. So if any of you are detailed readers or maybe English teacher/lecturer or Language students, pls spare my poor English? But I hope there will be any feedback so I can improve it.  
> Have a good reading (I hope ) and love Monsta X  
> Love showki
> 
> mizz_apple


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